A Celebration of the Awesome Awfulness of Our Man Neifi

If you're a connoisseur of the work of Neifi Perez as I am–and as I know many longtime readers of The Cub Reporter are–you'll delight in this piece written by King Kaufman and posted at Salon.com.

The story, an excerpt from "Top of the Order: 25 Writers Pick Their Favorite Baseball Player of All Time," is simply too delicious for me to recap here. I will just share this passage, in which Kaufman, a Giants fan, explains how he became a Neifiphile.

It was in early June 2003, [Neifi's] first and only full season with the club, when I noticed he was a sort of secret weapon. The Giants were a good but not great 26-22 on the days when Perez made it onto the field. But when he stayed in the dugout, they were 13-1...

So I invented the Neifi Index, a measure of the contribution a player makes to his team by not playing. The Giants had a .542 winning percentage when Perez played, .929 when he did not. So his Neifi Index was .387 (.929 minus .542). I concocted the Neifi Award, given to the bench player in each league with the highest Neifi Index, and unique among baseball awards in that you or I, if we could only find our way onto a major-league team, would be a shoo-in to win it.

Postscript: in linking to Neifi's page at Baseball-Reference.com, I just saw that King Kaufman is a paid sponsor of the page, which also carries this tribute from the writer: "In his own way, he was the greatest I ever saw."

Indeed.


Comments

pieces like that are why the Internet was invented...

obviously you've not seen enough asian, brazillian, and german internet porn.

Fukkakedome?

Speaking of, I have a friend who just last week upgraded from dial-up. He's got a lot of catching up to do.

Kudos to him. He'll be desensitizing himself at an exponentially higher rate now.

Yeah, but it feels like watching aboriginals who are perfectly at peace with life suddenly be exposed to war, advertising, crack, Jerry Bruckheimer and The Black Eyed Peas.

There's good stuff on the internet too, like ScrabbleBlast, so maybe he's not completely doomed.

Did you know that Neifi in Tongolese, a southern Island not far from Indonesia, means "ball magnet" a little known fact, although most do not realize it it not THAT kind of ball.

Had his parents known, they would have chosen a derivative, "Neifay" which is the metrosexual form of Sack magnet which changes the meaning altogether - it is the ability to fill a grocery bag with fruits and veggies from the isles, and woman standing in the line has a tradition of exhortation to the bag boy with the words "Neifay Ole." At which time the bagger leaned the paper bag forward and scooped the food with the hand in a shape of a spade shovel, filling to the brim, uprighting the sack and handing it to the patron with a slight brush of the back of the hand toward the female upper body part, like shoulder, in an expression of respect and piqued interest. If done correctly, the couple would be married the next day and drummers would line the wedding recessional, shouting to the beat, "Neifay Ole, toto buffet!" over and over until exhausted.

After the chanting, clerks would check if the bag boy was already married at which time he was sent to AA ball in the Southern league to learn the skills of sliding since he already knew the skill of running FAST... True story. Check out www.askascout.com for more or to sign up for an application for an opening in the check out line there.

It's true. I read it on the Internets.

I couldn't help myself:

Went back to Baseball-Reference.com—how mind-blowingly amazing is that site, by the way?—and calculated the Neifi Index for his time with the Cubs.

The Sucktastic One played in 264 games for the Cubs between 9/16/04 and 8/19/06. The Cubs went 125-139 (.473) in those games. In the 49 Neifi-less games the team played through that same period, the record was 23-26 (.469). This suggests a NEGATIVE Neifi Index of .004, i.e., THE CUBS WERE ACTUALLY BETTER WITH NEIFI THAN WITHOUT HIM!

I submit that, like albino squirrels and watchable movies based on "Saturday Night Live characters," this is an exceedingly rare phenomenon worthy of appreciation and intense academic study.

Those teams really sucked.

It was because Neifi saved us dude in 2005.

ugg...05.

i think i injured myself for 4-6 weeks just thinking about that team.

dlee/neifi/burnitz were the only guys who stayed healthy all year.

NOOOOOOOMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

~sobs~

I highly recommend clicking over to Salon and reading the whole thing, it's hysterical.

Great article, Cubnut.

Thanks for finding and posting. You should alert the author to your Negative Neifi Index. Perhaps Kaufman can investigate and offer another article?

Glad you enjoyed it. I was planning to drop Kaufman a note and invite him into the close-knit Neifi Brotherhood that has flourished here at TCR for so long.

doug flynn, jesus alou, and joe demastri gets no respect...

gary bennett agrees loudly from the backfield...

Recent comments

Subscribe to Recent comments
The first 600 characters of the last 16 comments, click "View" to see rest of comment.
  • lester threw over to 1st! ...badly. braun takes 2nd.

    it was a slow rainbow throw.

    crunch 6 min 47 sec ago view
  • wow...villar just stole 3rd (after stealing 2nd) by walking 1/2 way to 3rd and then just sprinting toward 3rd with lester watching him do it from the mound.

    crunch 12 min 57 sec ago view
  • D'oh.

    CTSteve 44 min 41 sec ago view
  • Torres for Chapman I think Yankees are aiming high,but would much rather get him to keep away from Giants or Nationals.

    rokfish 54 min 44 sec ago view
  • The Chris Sale five-day suspension includes yesterday, so it's only through Wednesday, and therefore he will probably start against the Cubs on Thursday. And he'll be pissed-off and rested, too. 

    Arizona Phil 1 hour 14 min ago view
  • Sale suspended five games. Thank you, White Sox.

    CTSteve 1 hour 43 min ago view
  • Lineup without You go, We go... probably just applying hamstring precautions

    LaStella (2B), KB, Rizzo, Zobrist (RF), Contreras (LF), Heyward, Russell, Ross, Lester

    Cubster 3 hours 1 min ago view
  • Nathan up. Adam Warren to Iowa. Based on recent performance, I have no argument with that.

    Cubster 3 hours 4 min ago view
  • Drew Storen DFA'd by Bluejays. Another once interesting reliever who fell off a cliff. Bosio fixer-upper vs. irreparably broken?

    Cubster 3 hours 42 min ago view
  • Don't want.

    Charlie 4 hours 5 min ago view
  • Ken Davidoff, NY Post...

    An industry source told The Post that the Yankees had asked serious Chapman suitors — a list believed to include the Nationals, the Cubs and the Indians, as well as a mystery team — for their best and final offers. While that doesn’t clinch a trade of Chapman, the impending free agent, it makes such a transaction darn likely. The Yankees intend to hold onto Miller, who is signed through 2018.

    I'm thinking mystery team is the Tigers or Giants

    Cubster 4 hours 6 min ago view
  • from Iowa yesterday in extended inning starts, Cahill was bad/Matusz was pretty good. Soler (0-3, walk), Coghlan (1-3, double, walk) did play in AA.

    Cubster 4 hours 11 min ago view
  • That's a hell of a first impression by Montgomery. Brian Cashman having a good laugh on that debut.

    Eric S 16 hours 21 min ago view
  • ...and it's a 3 run homer.

    hey, vogelbomb had a HR on his 1st game with SEA AAA, too!

    crunch 16 hours 41 min ago view
  • montgomery comes on with men on 1st/2nd, 2 out, in the 8th.

    crunch 16 hours 43 min ago view
  • from rotoworld...

    "Tommy Stokke of FanRag Sports reports Chris Sale was sent home from U.S. Cellular Field on Saturday after cutting up throwback jerseys that he did not want to wear.

    crunch 16 hours 50 min ago view