A Celebration of the Awesome Awfulness of Our Man Neifi

If you're a connoisseur of the work of Neifi Perez as I am–and as I know many longtime readers of The Cub Reporter are–you'll delight in this piece written by King Kaufman and posted at Salon.com.

The story, an excerpt from "Top of the Order: 25 Writers Pick Their Favorite Baseball Player of All Time," is simply too delicious for me to recap here. I will just share this passage, in which Kaufman, a Giants fan, explains how he became a Neifiphile.

It was in early June 2003, [Neifi's] first and only full season with the club, when I noticed he was a sort of secret weapon. The Giants were a good but not great 26-22 on the days when Perez made it onto the field. But when he stayed in the dugout, they were 13-1...

So I invented the Neifi Index, a measure of the contribution a player makes to his team by not playing. The Giants had a .542 winning percentage when Perez played, .929 when he did not. So his Neifi Index was .387 (.929 minus .542). I concocted the Neifi Award, given to the bench player in each league with the highest Neifi Index, and unique among baseball awards in that you or I, if we could only find our way onto a major-league team, would be a shoo-in to win it.

Postscript: in linking to Neifi's page at Baseball-Reference.com, I just saw that King Kaufman is a paid sponsor of the page, which also carries this tribute from the writer: "In his own way, he was the greatest I ever saw."

Indeed.


Comments

pieces like that are why the Internet was invented...

obviously you've not seen enough asian, brazillian, and german internet porn.

Fukkakedome?

Speaking of, I have a friend who just last week upgraded from dial-up. He's got a lot of catching up to do.

Kudos to him. He'll be desensitizing himself at an exponentially higher rate now.

Yeah, but it feels like watching aboriginals who are perfectly at peace with life suddenly be exposed to war, advertising, crack, Jerry Bruckheimer and The Black Eyed Peas.

There's good stuff on the internet too, like ScrabbleBlast, so maybe he's not completely doomed.

Did you know that Neifi in Tongolese, a southern Island not far from Indonesia, means "ball magnet" a little known fact, although most do not realize it it not THAT kind of ball.

Had his parents known, they would have chosen a derivative, "Neifay" which is the metrosexual form of Sack magnet which changes the meaning altogether - it is the ability to fill a grocery bag with fruits and veggies from the isles, and woman standing in the line has a tradition of exhortation to the bag boy with the words "Neifay Ole." At which time the bagger leaned the paper bag forward and scooped the food with the hand in a shape of a spade shovel, filling to the brim, uprighting the sack and handing it to the patron with a slight brush of the back of the hand toward the female upper body part, like shoulder, in an expression of respect and piqued interest. If done correctly, the couple would be married the next day and drummers would line the wedding recessional, shouting to the beat, "Neifay Ole, toto buffet!" over and over until exhausted.

After the chanting, clerks would check if the bag boy was already married at which time he was sent to AA ball in the Southern league to learn the skills of sliding since he already knew the skill of running FAST... True story. Check out www.askascout.com for more or to sign up for an application for an opening in the check out line there.

It's true. I read it on the Internets.

I couldn't help myself:

Went back to Baseball-Reference.com—how mind-blowingly amazing is that site, by the way?—and calculated the Neifi Index for his time with the Cubs.

The Sucktastic One played in 264 games for the Cubs between 9/16/04 and 8/19/06. The Cubs went 125-139 (.473) in those games. In the 49 Neifi-less games the team played through that same period, the record was 23-26 (.469). This suggests a NEGATIVE Neifi Index of .004, i.e., THE CUBS WERE ACTUALLY BETTER WITH NEIFI THAN WITHOUT HIM!

I submit that, like albino squirrels and watchable movies based on "Saturday Night Live characters," this is an exceedingly rare phenomenon worthy of appreciation and intense academic study.

Those teams really sucked.

It was because Neifi saved us dude in 2005.

ugg...05.

i think i injured myself for 4-6 weeks just thinking about that team.

dlee/neifi/burnitz were the only guys who stayed healthy all year.

NOOOOOOOMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

~sobs~

I highly recommend clicking over to Salon and reading the whole thing, it's hysterical.

Great article, Cubnut.

Thanks for finding and posting. You should alert the author to your Negative Neifi Index. Perhaps Kaufman can investigate and offer another article?

Glad you enjoyed it. I was planning to drop Kaufman a note and invite him into the close-knit Neifi Brotherhood that has flourished here at TCR for so long.

doug flynn, jesus alou, and joe demastri gets no respect...

gary bennett agrees loudly from the backfield...

Recent comments

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  • Just had to ask, I guess.

    Haven't had a big comeback win in a long time (at least it seems like a long time). Great feeling!

    Rizzo should hold clinics on 2-strike hitting. Awesome.

    billybucks 42 min 8 sec ago view
  • cubs!!!!!

    cubs lead in the top 7th!

    crunch 1 hour 58 min ago view
  • so nastay...

    triple, walk, domination

    crunch 2 hours 13 min ago view
  • And he gets out of it by K-ing Braun, Lucroy and Carter!

    Let's get some runs!

    billybucks 2 hours 16 min ago view
  • welcome to the cubs j.nathan.

    2 pitches into the inning and there's a guy on 3rd with 0 outs (triple).

    his velocity is hanging around 91/92mph.

    crunch 2 hours 33 min ago view
  • Always a good idea to bring in Richard against a LH batter.

    billybucks 2 hours 55 min ago view
  • Russell left game with left heel contusion from foul ball on Saturday. Started to bother him during the Sunday game.

    Cubster 3 hours 11 min ago view
  • a.russell out and down into the clubhouse...no one knows why.

    it's very hot on the field, so it might be heat related.

    crunch 3 hours 31 min ago view
  • I blame the All-Star game again, or else Michael Barrett.

    Cubster 3 hours 44 min ago view
  • Miller park roof is closing. Hmmm, might play differently now?

    Lester at 72 pitches through 3. Roof closing might get him through 6.

    Middlebrows pulls a calf or hamstring. Len says he blew a tire rounding 1st. Nieuwenhuis enters game.

    Now roof opening. Dizziness. No AC in the ballpark wrt the field.

    Cubster 3 hours 45 min ago view
  • just to lighten the mood:
    Shark's day: 5.2 IP 5 Runs (all earned), 8 Hits, 2 HR. Left the game down 5-0 to Yankees.

    Anyone expecting game 4 NLCS Shark vs Hammel or Lackey?

    Cubster 3 hours 53 min ago view
  • First inning: two on, no out, Rizz and Zobrist due up. Don't score.
    Third inning: two on, one out, KB and Rizz due up. Don't score.

    This is getting' old, fellahs.

    billybucks 3 hours 54 min ago view
  • KB still with ZERO RBI since the A/S break. Ouch.

    billybucks 3 hours 57 min ago view
  • 62 through 2ip...yow.

    it's an off day for d.ross, too. the wild pitch + passed ball in 2 separate strike 3 calls allowing the runner to reach 1st and the 5sb through 2ip makes for a bad game so far. ross cant shoulder any blame for some of those SBs, especially that villar steal of 3rd while lester watched him.

    crunch 4 hours 1 min ago view
  • 39 pitch inning by Lester. I guess it's a wash vs yesterday's 1st when Lackey gave up 2 run HR.

    Cubster 4 hours 26 min ago view
  • 39 pitch, 2 run, 1st inning for lester. bleh.

    horrible control so far today.

    crunch 4 hours 28 min ago view