CSI - Chicago
Submitted by Transmission on Fri, 01/26/2007 - 5:37pm
The Arizona Republic is reporting that late yesterday or early today, someone broke in to Bob Brenly's home to steal the emmy he won for his work with Len last year. This demands a serious investigation. First of all, how did Bob Brenly win an Emmy? Ok, maybe it would be better to start with an easier problem: Who stole Bob's Emmy? The Suspects: Aramis Ramirez Motive: Resentful at Brenly over being called out for a lack of hustle Alibi: Breaking and entering requires hustle Guilt: unlikely Ryan Dempster Motive: Resentful of Brenly over criticisms at the hurler's lack of control Alibi: Was seen a few miles outside of Peoria at the time, trying to hit the broad side of a barn Guilt: Possible. The witness was umpire C.B. Bucknor Len Kasper Motive: Indignation at carrying the load, then having to share the emmy Alibi: Bouncer in Boston reports carding Len Kasper Thursday night, as Len was trying to get in to see Theo Epstein jam with the band. Guilt: In the clear Neifi Perez Motive: Shoot the messenger Alibi: Reportedly, a window was broken in the room from which the Emmy was stolen. What in the world could Neifi swing with enough force to break a window pane? Guilt: Impossible Ozzie Guillen Motive: He's crazy, he doesn't need a motive. Alibi: When asked about the incident, Ozzie said "Emmys are for @$@-$*%$@ing %$#@(s. What the !)($%^^ would I want with some $#_))$)$@'s Emmy?" Guilt: Widely considered to be a deeply closeted @$@-$*%$@ing %$#@(, Ozzie might have swiped the Emmy as an expression of his deeply conflicted feelings about his own sexuality. Plausible. Dusty Baker Motive: Jealousy. It's the only award won by a Cub in his tenure as manager. Believes Brenly's unfounded criticisms sabotaged his team's chemistry, turned the city against him, and prevented him from finding a left-handed batting-practice pitcher. Alibi: Was busy at work preparing commentary for his new job as an analyst with ESPN Guilt: Read that alibi again, and you tell me. Steve Stone Motive: Lingering resentment with WGN and the Tribune over the situation leading to his departure Alibi: Phone records indicate Stone was on the phone to Peter Angelos, presumably inquiring about his interest in hiring a new GM. Guilt: In the clear Juan Pierre Motive: Likes to steal. It's about the only thing he does well. Alibi: Claims to have been mowing his lawn Guilt: Possible. While neighbors said they thought they had heard the sound of a mower, no one could see Pierre over the tall grass. Ruben Rivera Motive: Needs the money. Has a history of stealing from teammates Alibi: Was last seen running the basepaths. Guilt: Highly unlikely This investigation is still in process. Given the gravity of the offense, we are actively pursuing any and all credible tips posted to our crime hotline at TCR.